I was talking to someone today about “moments that change who you are”. I want to share a few experiences of mine that shaped who I am.

Lesson 1: Know Who You Are

My formative years were spent in Wasilla, Alaska. I was taking a US History class with Jeanne Krause as a student at Wasilla High School, and it was in her class that a challenge was given that I will never forget. She asked the class to describe one of our political beliefs. Then she asked why we believed it, and she kept asking us why. This is a concept of business inquiry called the “five whys” that attempts to discover a root cause/issue of a problem. I didn’t know that back then, but I eventually understood what she was doing. She was pushing us to really think about political stances we had adopted, and question whether those stances would, in fact, hold water when compared against our actual values. I was able to listen to other students describe their justifications, whether they actually explored the reasons or simply held firm without reflecting on “why”. I also had to think about my own stances, recognize what I was familiar with, what I might have simply accepted because it was convention, what I knew, and more importantly what I didn’t know but had assumptions about. It was an uncomfortable discussion, but I learned that I was responsible for questioning and testing my own perceptions. I learned that my opinion mattered. And I learned that part of growing up was becoming critical of assumptions and making choices based on my own values, that might conflict with others. I’m grateful to Ms. Krause for pushing us to look inward and outward.

I mention it here because we are in a really polarized election period, and it’s important that we (all of us) are thinking about our root values and making decisions based on what matters most to us.

Lesson 2: Do Something

When I was 12 my mother was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Multiple Sclerosis, and it had devastating impact on her life and for our family. One of the biggest changes for us was the relative abandonment of my mother’s friends, and of our church family. My mother had always sought a church where we lived. She started as a Methodist in her home town, and my earliest recollection was attending a Lutheran church when we lived in Minnesota. When we moved to Alaska she started at the Lutheran church in Petersburg, but found services uninspiring. We eventually settled into a membership with the Assemblies of God, and after another move to the mainland, found another AOG church. She loved to sing, and the song worship was one of the best parts of going to there.

When my mother was diagnosed, it seemed like everything changed. Friends would check in at first, but eventually dropped away. The church offered to help drive us to services, but it wasn’t dependable. My mother, with a wheelchair and kids in tow, were too much for any long commitment from other churchgoers. When we attended, one of the key messages that we would repeatedly hear was that if my mother truly asked god for forgiveness for her sins, he would heal her; that the endowment of the holy spirit upon her was a sign of her faith, and it was through god that she could live again. We heard this from the pastor, from the visiting pastors, from faith healers, and from the churches we were directed to when theirs didn’t work. In one of the last visits to a church, they were laying hands on my mother and yelling at her, commanding the demons to leave her body so that she could accept Christ. They tried to pick her up from her wheelchair to walk, but she couldn’t. As her 14 year old son, it was heartbreaking to watch this. When they were done the pastor told me that I had the patience of Job. I have never felt the urge to punch someone in the face more than at that time.

It was during this very difficult time in my life that I learned how cruel people can be, even when it’s unintentional. The church was not an answer. I was forced to become a caretaker for my sick mother at a very young age, and I also became a caretaker for my younger siblings. I learned by going through my own very difficult childhood that if I didn’t do the work, there would be no-one to do it for you.

I learned that bad things can happen to good people. I also learned that prayers only go so far. Prayers, if you believe in them, should lead to reflection, which should lead to resolution, which should lead to action.

The lesson here was and always will be to do something. For me, that meant running for office; and this year it means being informed and voting for change you want to see.

Lesson 3: Kindness Exists

When I was 19, and after my mother was moved to a long-term care facility, I wanted to escape by moving to California to attend college. When I left home, my father told me that I would “come crawling back” and refused to say goodbye. I was angry when I left home, and I was determined that I would not go back. Within a semester, my roommate who traveled with me gave up and asked his parents to come back home. I was alone, poor, working part time and trying to go to college. I couldn’t afford the apartment, and a room rental I had arranged after my roommate left fell through unexpectedly, and I suddenly had nothing. I found a room to rent from Helen, a bar owner who rented to divorced dads and heroine addicts who were in recovery, and I was grateful for the space because I had a room with a lock on the door, and it was my safe space. A friend of one of my sisters showed up unexpectedly; she was supposed to stay with me for two weeks and travel home. After several months, a disconnected phone for hundreds of dollars in long-distance calls, and wrecking my car, she was gone.

I was young, and poor, and angry. I had to drop out of school because I had to earn money for rent and food. I didn’t have a car. I had no friends, and felt like anyone who I met wanted something. The situation changed, but it wasn’t overnight.

• My first job in California was working night security at Eden hospital. On my first night I was holding doors for the ambulance arrival of a vehicle accident that took place on the San Mateo bridge, and there were several injured that arrived and needed to be unloaded. A nurse was triaging patients and asked me to hold a baby (uninjured) that was in the party. The baby stopped crying as I held her, so she told me my job was to continue holding the baby. Seeing the trauma, but holding this infant was unforgettable.
• Another job was working mornings as a stable person/groomer/trainer at Fairview Arabian Farms. The owner Marilyn was another parent figure who I learned to trust and talk with. She was kind, and she was someone who encouraged me to stick with it and be hopeful.
• I was offered a job at a bank after working a couple of nights as a temp to conduct a phone survey. The bank manager heard me talking to customers and decided I was worth investing in. It was the first time that worked around other employees who really cared and looked after each other. It was also where I succumbed to watching soap operas (specifically Loving) so I could keep up with office chatter.
• At that job, a bank manager who checked in on me as a father figure. He was Hindi. I knew nothing about his background, but he made sure to talk to me about life and our passage through it. I am grateful for him recognizing that I needed someone who could counsel and guide me.
• I met an insurance agent who became a father figure to me when he recognized that I was struggling to make ends meet. He had a sardonic sense of humor (his regular joke was “better you than me, @$$hole” when he was listening to clients filing claims) but he was always kind, and he looked out for others.

It took a long time to get my feet under me, and I wouldn’t be where I am without the people who stopped to see me and do more than look past me. I am truly grateful for their kindness, and what it meant to me.

Lesson 4: Life Happens

Things go well, until they don’t. How you respond when things don’t go well is a testament to who you are as a person, the burdens you carry, and what shaped you. How you respond to others when things don’t go well for them is about your empathy, willingness to listen and understand, maturity, patience, with very likely some tolerance thrown in.

You have heard about #disagreebetter in Utah politics. That hashtag is used with sarcasm more than for encouraging real discussion. Know that how you respond, and how you respond to others matters.

Summary

Today is September 19, which means there are 26 days until mail-in ballots are sent out, and 47 days to the November 5 election. We’ve had some crazy turmoil in the elections, some of it good, some of it bad.

• Know Who You Are, and know what matters most to you.
• Do Something. Learn about candidates (it’s why I’m writing this) and what they stand for.
• Seek to be Kind. Don’t make decisions based on fear and anger.
• Know that Life Happens. This year has been a travesty in Utah politics. But there is something that you can do about it.

Be informed, and get ready to vote.